What He Must Be

As is frequent, I was procrastinating at home between classes, watching television. I happened upon "Cheaters," an extremely low-budget, emotionally charged reality show that follows spouses suspected of infidelity and films the inevitable confrontation between the cheating spouse, his or her new love interest, and the spurned lover. It's sort of what "Jerry Springer" used to be back in the day, before the made up story lines, as fighting usually results.

On today's episode, a husband discovered that his wife was cheating with a co-worker. She was only 22, he may have been a bit older, and they had an infant daughter. What surprised me during the confrontation was that he obviously took his vows seriously, he had a pretty mature view of marriage and a high view of family. After the confrontation, he called his father-in-law, had a mature man-to-man conversation with him about finding out his wife cheated, and then he remarked that he wanted to shield his daughter from the effects of his wife's infidelity and poor lifestyle. I wouldn't expect that kind of maturity from someone who would hire "Cheaters" private investigators. I felt sorry for him that he ended up with such a trifling wife, since there are many women with integrity that would have been happy with a committed husband and a child, and wouldn't mess up the way his wife did.

At the end of the episode, his wife gave a statement to "Cheaters" saying that she wanted a husband that would show her affection and communicate to her that he cares. Basically, she wanted someone that would "be there for her." At that point, I realized how wrong I was in passing judgment. Basically, I was impressed that her husband said everything "right." As in, his beliefs about marriage and family were consistent with everything I've been taught and what I believe. But, thinking rightly about marriage isn't enough to sustain a healthy one. What his wife did was wrong, but when a person doesn't feel loved, they tend to do very stupid things. Not cheating on someone and paying the mortgage isn't sufficient to convey "I love you." Although, being a provider can be a means of showing your wife you love her, it's imperative to learn how to communicate your love to your mate in a way they understand. *Cue Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages*

What application does a bootleg Cheaters episode have in my own life?
One important characteristic in the man that I marry has to be relational maturity. Perhaps there's a better term for it, but I need someone who can see beyond his own preconceptions and really tries to understand other people, their needs, and where they're coming from, myself included (and seeks to meet those needs). I think relationally mature people refrain from making definitive pronouncements about others that include terms like always and never ("you'll always be like x," "you'll never do y"), and they also refrain from assuming they know everything about a person, no matter how long they've been together.

I guess the starting point of all of this is an attitude of humility. Having been inundated with Christian teaching about marriage and relationships, it's easy for me to think that relationships are successful based on following a set of principles. The reality is, you can do everything right, and still end up with a terribly unhappy spouse. Rules and principles are black and white, but people are complicated. The complexity of human beings lends relationships their beauty and mystery, along with all the drama that frequently plays out when two sinful people commit to one another.

I'm sure what I've written gets a big "DUH" from the zero people in the peanut gallery actually reading this blog post, but given my extremely limited relationship experience, it was a revelation for me.

I'm going to focus on trying to learn others rather than painting them with broad strokes based on my faulty preconceptions.

Time for work!